Thinking...

Apparently if you think you're going mad you aren't... So doesn't that imply if you think you're sane that you're mad? Life is a complicated thing but it can be snatched out from underneath you... In an instant! Why should you hold you're tongue? Why shouldn't you? My brain has now been twisted and manipulated so many times that I like being used.... Hurt and heartbroken. This isn't normal is it? Why do I think of the perfect way to murder someone? However I make sure that it's with the most agony... Is it because I am not letting go of hatred and  the pain I keep inside? I feel like an empty vessel, meaningless, emotionless, worthless... Hopeless! Why don't people just give up on me? 

Well I'm a liar...

I passed all my subjects... But only that! I was lying to myself saying that I could get B's. Well now I'm going to study for the rest of the holidays. Luckily the Christmas holidays are the longest ones all year. Sadly I can't become a genius overnight... However music has always been my best friend so I will get through it! I was looking at religions today and I found out that Witchcraft is a recognised religion, so is Vampirism... I don't go outside as it is but I am going to attempt to go for a run twice a week. Yeah I am lying to myself... Well as always THIS IS AS GOOD AS ITS GONNA GET.

Hot or Not!

Well let's see I have hot or not... Yeah I am following the trend but oh well! I watched convos with my 2 year old they are so funny! There are really nice people on hot or not... Ok one nice person so far! He's so cute... Anyway as always THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GONNA GET!

Life

Well apparently I have a social life... I am going to my friends party today and on Monday  I'm going to the movies with some friends... Also three guys now have confessed their love for me but sadly I don't like any of them that way. I know it's stupid that I'm madly in love with someone who may never feel the same way back but everytime I lose the feeling BAM he does something so sweet that makes me fall for him all over again. I'm starting to piss myself off! Where is some bad boy who is super sweet going to come around? Yeah never, probably in my dreams but not in real life... So as always THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GONNA GET

Nightmares.

Aren't nightmares just the best... That was sarcasm they suck. Expecally mine because they don't make sense and I have to write then down but it's always full of intense emotions... What are they called? Is it night terrors... I don't know. But this is becoming an occurrence ever couple of months... I thought it was just a one time thing... If they become more regular I don't know what I'll do! Help! I don't even know what I'm dealing with here... That's the worst thing. But as always THIS IS AS GOOD AS ITS GONNA GET!

Promises...

See I told you I would blog... Not that anyone is reading this... Anyway today wasn't very productive I planned to get up at 4 am to watch the sunrise... That didn't happen and then I just watched Moonlight for most of the afternoon which was when I got up! Okay tommorrow I'm getting up at 5.20am I don't know why yet but I'll think of it when I get there... However I wonder if I'll get there. So as always THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GONNA GET.

GOALS!

Okay I know I've said this so many times but this time I will FORCE MYSELF to keep to a blogging schedule... It doesn't even matter if no one is reading it, I just need an outlet for my thoughts, questions and opinions... I know this was short but tommorrow I promise to update you on EVERYTHING and I mean everything... So for now THIS IS AS GOOD AS ITS GONNA GET...

Well....

I have been kicked out since the 7th of June. Apparently I am a phycopath... and am going to kill someone. This is not true and I was admitted into the Mental Health Ward in a hospital that I am not going to mention. I was diagnosed with acute anxiety but I will explain it in more detail later. Innitally I didn't deal with the getting kicked out thing very well however after my little sister sounded like she was anamatronic on the phone. I don't want her to be in the environment I was in, actually I never wanted her to be there. I miss her more everyday. I am doing better and becoming more positive. I moved schools again but this school is much better then the rest. I won't be mentioning the name just yet, I may have some creepy stalkers following my blog, hehe. I don't really want to publish the whole story because I tend to get a bit sad. Music saved me, I mean it. If I didn't have music in my life I don't know where I would be right now. My grandparents have taken me in and I don't know how I could ever pay them back for all the kindness they have given to me. In my eyes they are saints. They have helped me stop being to scared to talk about everything and become myself. Sure I still get sad about things but it's nowhere near as bad as it was. I don't know how I could ever pay them back. If they hadn't taken me in, I would have nowhere to go. With everyday I become myself again and a little less sad. So THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GONNA GET.

No questions...?!

Well I like this guy but he has and girlfriend (let's just call him K)and I like this other guy who sort of likes this other girl but he's super shy but he's also kind of my therapist (let's call him Attack Hug because that's my nickname for him). Anyway I used to be so close with K and now it's like we're nothing but Attack Hug is so shy he won't even give me a hug but he knows every mood I'm in just by looking at me and he wants to be a phycologist I think he'll be an amazing phycologist. 

Anyway I know I don't have a chance with K because of his girlfriend and all and she's super nice and they are such a cute couple but I kind of pissed off everytime I see them together... 

But Attack Hug well he's really shy which I find cute but also at the same time kind of a bummer but we are sort of friends and I can tell him anything and I think he's told me more than most people so I feel special. 

But on a completely random subject change assignments suck and are super stressful I HATE THEM!! All I have been is stressing out and having emotional break downs. But getting to talk to Attack Hug always makes me feel better and he loves this Proffessor Layton game and he sometimes asks for help to solve them I've only got one of them right so far hehe but it's ok because the game is annoying but fun. 

So that all I have to say for now so I guess THIS IS AS GOOD AS ITS GONNA GET!

Drama Performance

Well in the end I had the highest status and I was the leader of the bullies and I had two sidekicks I think that's what they were and they did whatever I told them so yeah and then there was a guy playing the nerd and he had a group of friends but by the end he was then one getting into trouble. But everyone had to improvise when an audience member tried to change the scene and I have no idea how I did it but I manage to stay in character and stop the audience member from making the scene any better. It's funny because afterwards people in my drama class told me that it was scary that I played my character as the leader of the bullies so well because it is the total opposite of what I am in real life. So that's good to know anyway I know this guy and he is kind of my therapist. He actually wants to here about my problems and fix them so that's really good but I'm only just passing math and I have to wait till next term to move out of chemistry so for now I GUESS THIS IS AS GOOD AS ITS GONNA GET!

Photo Day and Valentines Day...

So today was photo day and valentines day... Double wammie! For one I actually brushed my hair properly and straightened it. I get to school and so many boxes of chocolates and stuffed bears. I have a valentines tradition thing because I never have a valentines it's kinda cool how it happens every year. But I love my friends coz they have me some of their chocolates. Anyway I came back from photos to class and when to go talk with my friends but they were in a group. So I joined another one with some people I know in my class and we are doing scenes about oppression and I have the lowest status. Basically we have three scenes and it goes like if get cyber bullied, then my "friend" in the scene ad I are walking then we get deprecated and I get yelled at and in the middle of the scene he join the bullies then the final scene the are all gaining up on me and pushing me around that the scenes so far... So for now I GUESS THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GONNA GET!